The World Federation - Marriage Training Programme
Milton Keynes 2004
Women’s Desk Report
INTRODUCTION
The Women’s Desk of the World Federation organised a three-day training programme for ‘Marriage Educators’ at the Milton Keynes community centre from 28th – 30th May of this year. The course was run jointly by Islamic lecturers and trainers from the ‘Marriage Care’ organisation. Around 30 delegates from different Jamaats in the UK, Dubai and Dar-es-Salaam attended the programme.
Anne Gurd and Joe Mannion, marriage specialists, from the Marriage Care (MC) organisation in London conducted the program. Mr Mannion is the Director of Training at Marriage Care with over 20 years experience in offering Counselling, Supervision, Training and Marriage Preparation programmes in his work with couples. His colleague, Ms Anne Gurd has 14 years experience as a counsellor and now provides training and supervision for counsellors and education workers. Brother Safder Jaffer and Sister Fatema Asaria provided the Islamic perspective on sex and spirituality to the men and women separately.
The main aim of the programme was to introduce delegates to the concept of pre marital counselling via marriage facilitators who would enable couples to discuss their feelings and resolve their problems and expectations before embarking on a new life together.
DAY 1
Shamim Abidi, Chairperson of the Women’s Desk welcomed delegates to the conference, in her opening speech. Thereafter, the Marriage Care educators introduced themselves. For the first 20 minutes, participants were asked to intermingle and get to know each other.
Delegates were then introduced to the aims of the course, which included: identifying one’s own as well as a couple’s needs; gaining experience of the course exercises; gathering relevant information and course material; demonstrating opportunities to use the information when working with a couple and the dynamics of using this information with them. It was stressed that the focus should be on using preventative measures to solve pre and post marital problems.
The first workshop saw delegates working in groups of 3-4 people. Each group had a different task to perform which they had to discuss and then record their points on flip charts. Some of the groups had to write about what they thought engaged couples would want from this course. The other groups had to find out what the community felt was needed for the couples. All the groups then shared their findings and discussed their views.
Research evidence shows that couples that prepare for marriage are more successful and able to work through their problems. It is important to work with a couple and assist them to sustain their relationship. This is mainly achieved by aiding them to increase their curiosity of their relationship. Another vital component of marriage preparation is the knowledge of what helps and hinders successful relationships.
Some of the main topics in the programme included: communication, conflict management, spirituality, and sexuality in Islam and self-esteem in marriage. It is essential to help both men and women in personal as well as couple development. “Life is about growing, changing, developing, and marriage is an aspect of this,” said Ms Gurd.
One of the counselling techniques that were introduced is the so-called ‘Lifeline’ technique. This consisted of a line, which denoted positive and negative events in one’s life. The technique is used to help couples open up and learn more about each other.
The next session included the psychology of marriage. The main points that were discussed in this session were the process of choosing a spouse and how the subconscious plays a part in this decision. People normally enter the marriage bond with a variety of hopes, fears, expectations, talents, assumptions and needs. The realisation of these factors by the couple and the ability to solve conflicts effectively is considered a necessary aspect of a successful married life. The emotional aspects of marriage were also focused on intensively. Other aspects included communication and good listening skills; both were emphasized repeatedly.
DAY 2
On the second day of the workshop, delegates discussed how pre marital counselling could be introduced in the community and how it would work. Some of the suggestions included: the mosque, madresah, youth networks, seminars, plays and case studies.
The concept of a marriage facilitator or enabler was discussed in greater depth.
Some of the core issues explored included communication, conflict management, commitment, sexuality, spirituality and self-esteem.
To jazz up the programme, there was an interesting role-play session where Ms Gurd acted as the marriage facilitator to a couple who were discussing their problems. The demonstration showed the delegates the framework for setting up a counselling session.
It was emphasized that before embarking on pre marital counselling sessions, facilitators must establish ground rules, which a couple had to respect. The rules would include confidentiality, respect and a willingness to understand and listen to the other side. After the demonstration, participants had the opportunity to work in groups and create similar scenarios. One person acted as a facilitator, another was an observer and finally a couple who discussed their problems. The exercise was good and it was quite hilarious to see some couples haggle over their problems, leaving some of the facilitators speechless!
Delegates also learnt about the pinch and crunch situations in a married couple’s life and how these contributed to marital difficulties. Ms Gurd and Mr Mannion enacted a situation in a married couple’s life which reflected the importance of dealing with minor and major problems promptly, and discussing injured feelings. When petty problems were left to simmer, unresolved, they could erupt as volcanoes.
Another group session revealed the various ways couples responded when they were angry with their partner. The responses included becoming quiet, withdrawing, shouting or engaging in other types of behaviour. Delegates discussed about their various response styles and the instructors revealed how the different responses could impede effective communication between a couple.
In the evening, we saw video clips about different scenarios in a couple’s life, focusing on communication and conflict management. The clips showed how men and women communicated differently about their problems and feelings. Typically, many misunderstandings arise, when couples do not understand the fact that both genders perceive and communicate in different ways. In the end, the key to a successful marriage is a couple’s ability to resolve conflict.
DAY 3
The programme included separate sessions for men and women, with Brother Safder Jaffer and Sister Fatema Asaria addressing the men and women respectively. Sister Fatema Asaria spoke about spirituality and sexuality in Islam. She highlighted some of the problems that were present in communities around the world. A grave concern was the rising number of divorces in Jamaats due to marital problems that were not being resolved.
Possible avenues to train and prepare our youths for marriage were discussed. It was felt that a marriage module should be taught in madresah and mothers should be educated about child rearing, especially during the adolescence periods. Seminars for newly engaged couples with religious scholars needed to be held and the creation of a support network was seen as a vital component of the endeavour.
The next session was conducted by Sister Fatma Virani. She presented the ladies with several case studies that had to be solved in group work. Some of the case studies included issues centred around how youths could be aided to select suitable life partners, handling conflict issues related to finances, careers, in-laws, children and extra marital affairs. The ensuing discussion was very fruitful and centred on spirituality in Islam. Delegates talked about how the Quran and Islamic guidelines needed to be applied in a couple’s daily life.
Throughout the three-day program, delegates were served delectable food. The warm welcome and hospitality provided by the Milton Keynes Jamaat volunteers made the programme run smoothly.
The programme’s closing ceremony was conducted by Sister Sajida Rashid, who thanked the instructors for sharing their skills and techniques, the delegates for their participation and the Milton Keynes Jamaat for their warm hospitality. “There is a great need for pre marital counselling in our communities,” said Sister Sajeda. “With teamwork, we will be able to successfully achieve our goal,” she added. She thanked the World Federation for their support and encouragement in holding the programme.
Dr Ahmed Hassam, President of the World Federation, also gave a speech in which he thanked the Marriage Care educators and commended the delegates for their commitment. He was pleased to see that both men and women had attended the programme.
Dr Hassam said: “You are our ambassadors now, when you go back to your communities and implement what you have learnt, and prepare our youths for marriage.” He promised continued support from the World Federation, “to see that the Marriage Advisory Council becomes a jewel in the crown.”
Thereafter, Dr Ahmed Hassam and Dr Zehra Hassam handed out certificates of participation to all the delegates. On behalf of the Marriage Advisory Council and the World Federation, all the delegates were given a file with all the relevant course material, to assist them in their work as Marriage Facilitators.
The marriage training programme was both informative and enjoyable. It gave the delegates a chance to acquire new skills and techniques in the field of pre marital counselling. Delegates also had the opportunity to network, exchange ideas and establish stronger Jamaat links for the future.
The Women’s Desk has promised to continue their support to assist this group in developing further by providing Update Days and Team Get-Togethers to discuss progress being made. After the success of this Training Programme the Women’s Desk hopes to run similar programmes for our communities in other parts of the World.
Compiled by
Sukaina A. Jaffer
Women’s Desk
REACTIONS OF DELEGATES ABOUT THE PROGRAMME
“Overall, this course has opened my eyes and I have learned several techniques and tools to use, which has boosted my confidence. The three days have not been enough, we need more training.”
Roshan Jawad, Milton Keynes.
“This was an excellent opportunity for me to be part of this programme and represent my Jamaat. I have learnt more about listening skills, and that working as a marriage facilitator I should not give out advice but rather be an enabler by aiding couples to express their feelings and make their own decisions.”
Salma Merali, Dar-es-Salaam.
“It was a very good experience, I gained new ideas and thoroughly enjoyed the programme.”
Masuma Mavani, Peterborough.
“I found the programme very beneficial but we need more training in order to help youths who are getting married.”
Razia Hemraj, Dubai.
“The programme has taught me a lot but we need to have more role play cases and additional information about spirituality and sexuality in Islam.”
Zehra Alidina, South London.
“The programme was excellent. The counselling role play techniques were very helpful.”
Sukaina Lalji, Essex.